30 March 2023 | By: Writing Buddha

Insomnia - Fighting A Lone Battle!

2054th BLOG POST

None of us talk a lot about our nights. We talk about waking up early, doing morning routine, traveling for work, spending day at office, traveling back to home, spending time with family, working on our side hustle if there’s any and then going for the much-needed sleep. But my issue starts after this. The days are almost the same for all of us - the way we have created our modern lifestyle where we have to earn penny in order to survive on this planet- get food on our plates and fulfill our dreams. This is a set template where the only difference is that all of us do different kind of work and earn different amount of money as per our talents, skills and strengths. You can keep on fighting and competing with your friends, peers, colleagues and anyone on the horizon but the routine will remain to be the same. There are very few professions who have their day routine quite distinct and different from this template but otherwise, it’s all same.


My problem starts from the time I am done with my day and get ready to lie on the bed to sleep. It is then that every cell of my body starts getting restless. It makes me realize that even though I have had a satisfactory day where I have performed all my tasks and I am quite cool about my present day or moment, but there’s something in the subconscious mind which makes it difficult for my body and mind to even think that I can get a proper sleep. So, I remember- Earlier, I would get down on bed, play an instrumental music for 5-10 minutes in a very low volume and find my thoughts speeding down. It would be an indication that my system has realized that it’s night and it should allow my body to go into the switch off mode for next 7-8 hours. I would then turn off the music and would never remember when I fell asleep. Such good times!


Now, the issue is – since I didn’t get a good sound sleep from more than 30 months now, I become very conscious when I get ready to sleep. In fact, the condition is that I know that I can never plan my sleep because it does 100 things to my brain. I don’t know if it’s a psychological defect or some sort of mental health that needs to be medically treated. Now I lie down and find myself pressing my eyes so hard as if I am forcing sleep to arrive from somewhere and get into my body. I didn’t realize this earlier but from last few weeks, I am able to reflect while closing my eyes that it’s not a normal calm posture. Everything is stiff at that point of time. It is like I am aware of how I am making my hands and legs believe that they are tired and need to drop down. I am making my face be in a certain position on the pillow so that it can also be fooled that it’s sleeping. My eyelids are pressed so tightly that I realize about all this false posture I have been in after eyes start paining.


It becomes difficult to sleep after that. I keep on turning right and left, changing my directions, turning on music, turning off music, drinking water, going to washroom, changing fan speed, throwing away bedsheet and then again searching for it and what not. It becomes such a scary situation that I find that I have been lying down on bed since hours and yet I am not sleepy. I start chanting mantras then I sit for meditation then I remember all the good times – but all in vain. At last, I get up and pop in a melatonin pill and wait for another few minutes for it to work but I think body has become immune of it. I then think of picking up that bloody instrument called mobile but my body gives an alarm that you can’t do something that’s completely not going to make you feel sleepy at all.


I know I have come down a very huge mountain of bad phase but the pain that it has caused to my body and mind will keep it sore for some more days and will keep on haunting me for some days. I am aware of all of this. My problem is that I am completely okay mentally during the day time but what happens suddenly when it’s only about finding a good sleep? Why is everything making it difficult for my body and mind to take a good rest to feel repaired and fresh after a new sun rises tomorrow morning? How far will I have to suffer to get a long streak of good sleep cycle to make me feel fresh and delighted when I wake up in the morning? Every morning feels like I have woken up with a small burden of yesterday. When will I open my eyes in the morning with a good smile on my face and see a new day as a new day? Why am I not being subjected to a normal night routine? What is my fault? What wrong have I done? There are so many questions but no answer. I know that even tonight, I’ll close my eyelids involuntarily by pressing it tightly and realizing after few minutes that this is not how it should be shut for sleeping. It should be automatic and not forced. Huh!





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